


Howl

by tonithekidd505



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Actor! Sirius, Alternate Universe, Lawyer!Lily, Lovers to enemies to lovers, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), School Reunion, They are oblivious, They won't admit their feelings, and lily is tired, bau!james, just a little, married! jily, mentions of domestic abuse, no heavy angst, remus has some dark thoughts, to their feelings, toddler!harry, uncle moony and padfoot are stubborn af, writer!remus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-14 03:00:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29785458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonithekidd505/pseuds/tonithekidd505
Summary: No one has heard from Remus Lupin in a while, just like he wanted to. Not since his ugly break up with Sirius Black, the man he used to think he was meant to grow old with. Pride, ambitions and life itself had gotten in the way, but what happens when Fate decides to pick up their cards again?Will they be able to see past the obstacles that so desperately seem to keep them apart?Will they admit that the things they hate the most in one another, are the those that reflect theirselves?The Game's afoot.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Remus Lupin/Original Male Character(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, brief - Relationship
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi :) just some things to keep in mind in relation to the story:
> 
> ~It takes place in 1989  
> ~For the sake of the plot, Harry is 4 and has a 2 year old sister, Sofia.  
> ~Remus is a famous novelist, Sirius a Hollywood actor, James a profiler (yes, I watch criminal minds) and Lily a top-notch lawyer.  
> ~I've thought long and hard about how to translate Remus's lycanthropy in this AU and I settled for mental instability. Any thoughts or actions he makes during the story are based solely on my experiences and since I have yet to be diagnosed, I won't be diagnosing him either.  
> ~I love these characters so much, especially since we know little to nothing about them from canon. That's why I feel more comfortable writing them- I can mend and shape their personalities to my liking, without going against the "rules".  
>  ~Obviously, I do not claim to own any of them.

The house was dimly lit, the slow tapping sound of rain echoing through the mostly-empty hallways and beyond that, the faint melody of a violin, coming from the old turntable in the living room.

“The living room” is how Remus Lupin referred to the attic that doubled as an office and a bedroom all at once, the place where he’d retired to for the past few years, successfully avoiding any unwanted human contact, unless of course he sought it out on his own. His housekeeper had scolded him more than once, saying how a ‘fine man such as yourself would opt in living as a hermit in this tower, rather than settle in someplace suitable for a family’. A real Mrs Bennet, that one was. Remus, however, had fallen in love with this particular room from the very start. As soon as he’d gotten that first check after the Calendar-his electric debut- had sold out, his overeager 23-year-old self started looking for nothing less than a 18th century residence, that costed a small fortune and required just as much in order to get in shape. Nevertheless, he bought it, hiring dear Mrs Danvers, a widow that looked every inch the English grandma, to help him out with the cleaning and the rest was history.

The first couple of years or so, Remus housed parties and dinners, inviting people you couldn’t pay him enough to talk to now and playing the good host. Old Oxford pals, elderly editors and even some blue bloods from time to time. He hated the lot of them. Pretentious bastards that knew nothing but what they’d been told, never had one original thought and would step shamelessly on anyone who would try to crawl their way up to their level, Remus excepted.

Up in the famous attic, under a bundle of fuzzy blankets, woolen sweaters and mismatched socks, sat one of Britain’s greatest authors, nursing a cup of hot cocoa and petting his tabby cat. It had been one of those quiet evenings when nothing had really happened, just as he’d intended. Very reluctantly he got up to place another log in the fire, accidentally knocking Minnie off the armchair, along with both his book and his mug. He wasn’t very surprised.

‘‘Minnie, I swear you’ll be the death of me” he whispered as he went through his desk for a napkin. A letter on top of some papers, however, caught his attention. The envelope was one of those small, fancy ones, closed shut with deep red wax, the unforgettable crest in the seal. He turned it over and read the familiar, legible handwriting, addressed to him. Now that- that surprised him. 

\--------------------------

“A reunion? Are they out of their minds? Who came up with this? Was it Marlene? I bet it was Marlene.”

“Come on now, Remus, you know it’s a tradition dating back to Henry V or whatever- it’s what old Hogwarts knows how to do best. Besides, we used to talk about this all the time as kids! Imagining the future and making up stories about our mates. I still think Lockhart will show up in a helicopter.”

“Well, a lot of things have changed since then.” Remus’s voice came out harsher than he’d intended.

“I know, I know. Hang on-give me a second” the hand Remus guessed Lily used to cover the microphone did little to muffle her shriek. “HARRY JAMES POTTER! If you do not put your sister down right this instant I will take away Hedwig!”

Remus couldn’t help but smile at the picture in his head, imagining the black-headed toddler slowly placing his baby sister on the ground, pouting over the loss of his beloved plushie and looking exactly like James.

“I’m sorry, love, what were you saying?”

Even if the world were to turn upside down, Lily Evans Potter would always remain just as caring and loving as ever. He was immensely proud of her, she’d grown to be one of the most successful and sought-after lawyers in the country, all while taking care of two young children and James. They’d gotten married soon after they all graduated and Harry came in the picture a little over four years ago, followed by Sofia. Sadly, the kids were born at a time when Remus was in a bad place, so he doubts they remember much of Uncle Moony.

“You do not need to pressure yourself, Remus” those words snapped him right back to reality. If there was one thing he hated,it was to be reminded of his state.

“Thank you, Lily. I’m afraid I’ve got some work to catch up on, so we’ll have to talk again sometime.” he lied through his teeth. Lily, fortunately, got the cue and decided to let it drop.

“Alright, you. Call me if you need any details for the reunion and remember you need to inform the school of your decision, so think about it, ok? Write something good!” and with that, Remus went back to doing nothing, his dreams full of shadows from the past.

\------------------------

October, 1976

“Holy shit!” ’the voice came through the other side of the bathroom.

“What?!” Remus yelled back, turning off the shower and toweling himself off.

The door burst open, his boyfriend’s lean figure jumping up and down the slippery floor, with a high risk of breaking his neck.

“For god’s shake, Pads, knock it off or I’ll be scrubbing your brains off the floor!” he yelled back, one hand holding on his towel and the other swatting at him.

“Uncle Alphard is dead!” Sirius Black stated with a big,eye-burning, borderline- psychotic smile plastered on his face.

“Babe that’s terrible! When did it happen? Are you alright?”

Now he was worried for real. They knew uncle Alphard had cancer and his days were counted for but still, he was Sirius’s safe haven, the only one that ever stood up for him in his family and the two of them were close. Even he had met him a few times as ‘Sirius’s friend’ but he suspected the old man had seen right through their little act.

“What? Oh, I’m fine, but look!’“ he pushed a piece of paper in his hand “he left me everything! The house, the money, the whole lot will be mine when i come of age!”

That was... something. Welburga and Orion had long disowned Sirius and had made it crystal clear that he was not to be considered in their will when the time comes. With Alphard’s money, however, Sirius was given a chance to start living independently, without the assistance of the Potters, who had become -in every way but legal- his guardians.

That night the four of them partied till the sun came out, honoring the spirit of the late Alphard Black by getting pissed and puking all over the castle.

\----------------------------------

The next morning, Remus was violently awakened by Mrs Danvers who had rather insensibly opened the curtains, leaving the blinding light to do the trick.

“Good morning, mr Lupin. I trust you had a good night’s sleep in that armchair of yours. Again.” she said while setting down the tray, without any attempt whatsoever to hide the contempt in her tone.

“A very good sleep I had indeed, thank you Mrs Danvers. I’ll be right over for breakfast.” He tried his best to sit up straight but his back was refusing to cooperate.

As was his custom, he took the steaming cup of Earl Grey in hand and walked over to the garden, letting the cat out with him. The land surrounding the tower was one of his favourite places on this earth. He purposefully left it a bit unkept, the grass brushing past his ankles, bushes and wildflowers coming out thick all around him. He cherished this place, loved the cold mornings, the cloudy sky and most of all, how quiet it was. Away from the city, from all the people that seemed to constantly expect something from him, more books than he could write, more attention than he could give, more love than he could feel. Standing there in his robe, Remus couldn’t help but think back to his conversation with Lily.

If-hypothetically speaking- he were to go to the bloody reunion, what would he look like to the rest of his classmates? He hadn’t kept in touch with any of them, hell, he barely remembered most of their names. What if he hadn’t changed that much to their eyes? What if they still thought of him as scrawny looney-Lupin, the charity case? He knew, of course that no one had called him that ever since third year, when he started gaining height and growing into his limbs, but still, what if?

He inhaled deeply (1,2,3) letting the cold air feel his lungs and exhaled steadily (5,6,7,8). He was Remus John Lupin, award-winning novelist and well-respected Oxford graduate and he could not care less what a bunch of posh kooks thought of him, at least not anymore. 

Before he could regret anything and with newly-found courage, he bolted up to the attic and sat in front of his typewriter. A shiver ran down his spine as he pressed lightly on the dusty keys and for the first time these past ten months, he used it again.

The letter was short, thanking the Debuty Headmistress for the invitation and confirming his attendance, no more words than necessary.

“Mrs Danvers!” he yelled with a shaking voice, continuing when the elder woman came in his room “will you be so kind as to mail this letter for me? It’s very important.”

It clearly intrigued the housekeeper, she was not used after all to witnessing any form of communication he had with the outside world.

“Of course, sir.” And with a curt nod of her head she was out.

Remus ran his long fingers through his hair, only now realizing how rugged he must look. With a heavy heart he dragged his feet to the bathroom, taking in his form in the mirror.

He’d looked better- that’s for sure- but he’d also looked a lot worse. His brown hair hang in dull strands, the days-old stubble on his chin and cheeks was itching him like crazy and he looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. He’d gained some weight, at least. His face no longer had the sickly paleness it used to have, his cheekbones were no longer threatening to tear through the skin. This was progress. He was trying to get better, he really was, and decided that shaving would be a good start. This was how he passed his days, one at a time, achieving small and seemingly insignificant tasks, taking baby steps and trying to feel good about it.

\------------------------------

Weeks passed and soon he got a call from Lily saying that the Reunion was set for the 2nd of May. That was not for another two days and both Lily and James had insisted he’d go up to their house and stay there, in order to get some rest from the trip, for he hated flying and he’d have to get to Scotland by train, which would take him a whole day.

He packed his favourite leather suitcase with what he thought would be best for the case, folding neatly with the help of Mrs Danvers his expensive suits and well-ironed shirts. In his personal bag he hid three heavy books, for he knew the old lady would yell at him for trying to avoid socialization. She meant well but she could not understand that just by carrying them with him he felt better, as if he’d taken Minnie instead of the Bronte Sisters Works.

The ride was pleasant enough, the landscape just as magical and captivating as he remembered and soon the slow rythm of the train, the sound of the engine and the muffled voices of those around him helped him drift off.

\------------------------

Christmas Eve, 1985

‘’Hollywood’s Prince has reportedly landed at Oxford International, for what seems to be the first time in months. Britain’s Wayward son is back...’’ whatever the reporter was about to say next was interrupted by deep- and quite annoyed- voice coming from the kitchen.

“Are you even listening to me?” Remus looked away from the telly to find an extremely agitated-looking Marcus glaring at him.

“Sorry, what were you saying?”

Judging by his boyfriend’s scoff, that was probably the wrong thing to say.

“What are you even watching? You never watch the cable and the one time I need you to focus...” shit. “You’ve got to be shitting me.”

He hated when he took that calm, exasperated almost tone of voice and couldn’t help but frown at the sound of it.

“Wow”, Marcus said while laughing, “this is our first Christmas Eve together and you’re spending it glued to the fucking screen, drooling after your ex!”

Remus quickly sat up, feeling quite irritated himself, even though he knew he was on the wrong. “Don’t be ridiculous! It was a coincidence! Is it illegal to watch some telly in my own house?”

That started a filthy row, one that many were to follow and Marcus was never to be seen again. It was a shame, really. He was a handsome lad, with whom they shared lots of interests and he’d even come close once or twice to drag Remus out of his writer’s block, if only to write a few paragraphs.

He could have loved him. He could have tried to, at least. In the five months they’d been together, Remus had every confidence that ‘yes, this one will be The One’ , but in vain. Remus Lupin was, to quote Marcus, ‘incapable of loving anyone other than his miserable self, doomed to infect everything and anyone he’d ever touch’. He’d heard worse.

\--------------------------------

The station in Godric’s Hollow, the small town the Potters lived in just outside of Glasgow, was packed solid, so much that he barely made out Lily’s bright red hair through the crowd.

“Remus! Harry look! Uncle Moony, over here!” his old mate’s voice came through the crowd.

Remus’s heart swelled at the sight of the four of them, James holding Harry in his arms,who with those specs that made his emerald eyes look twice as big and his unruly dark hair looked like a character straight out of a Dickens’ story. Lily was standing next to him, holding a stroller with Sofia, who even at barely two years of age had the unmistakable Potter mischief in her eyes. He hugged them both and although he shouldn’t be surprised that Harry hid his face shyly on his Dad’s shoulder when he greeted him, he still felt a bit hurt. The red-headed little girl, however, was more than curious to try and climb up the strange and almost abnormally-tall man’s leg, almost demanding to get in his arms. He reluctantly picked her up, suddenly realizing how far away her body is from the ground.

“I had a feeling she might like you. We can’t seem to be able to stop her from climbing on trees, so I suppose she found the next best thing.” Lily said while hugging him. “Let’s get you home now. Come to mama, Sof. Leave poor uncle Moony to take a breath.”

In the car he sat on the front, chatting along with James and laughing at the conversation (which was more of an exchange of sounds) the two toddlers were trying to keep. For the half hour the drive lasted, Remus felt as if nothing had changed, as if him visiting the family was a monthly occurrence and for a moment he wondered why that hadn’t been the case.

The Jeep stopped in front of a stone cottage whose front garden was filled with tiny bikes, tiny chairs and tiny toys. Walking through the path to the front door he felt like Gulliver in Lilliput.

“Spare room’s this way mate. You can settle in, bathrooms though that door, feel free to take a shower if you want to.” James turned to look at him. He’d changed a bit. His hair was as thick and crazy as ever, but he’d grown out a beard and if he looked a bit tired, Remus supposed that was just fatherhood to blame. From what he’d gathered, James worked mostly from home as a psychoanalyst for the Yarders, taking a few trips to London every now and then, but mostly staying with the kids.

“Thank you, Prongs. I’ll be out in a minute.” He didn’t really fancy taking a shower but a few minutes on his own were more than welcome.

The bathroom was small but tidy, with a nice marble tub that he probably would not fit in, unless you were to cut him in half. Remus splashed some water on his face, trying to calm down his nerves. There is no bloody reason to get nervous, you moron. The obnoxious small voice inside his head was a life-long companion of his. He probably won’t even be there. Right. Probably.

He stepped into the family room looking as confident as he could and sat down on the couch, next to where the two little ones were trying to play catch dressed in their jammies. Lily smiled at him from the kitchen counter and soon joined him, handing him a cup of tea.

“So, tomorrow’s the big day, then”. He was pathetic when it came to small talk.

“Yeah, Jolene from down the street will come to look after these two. I doubt anyone else’s kids will be there. Come to think of it, I don’t know if anyone else has any kids” she let out a sigh.

Sofia had spotted them by now and came running clumsily over to them, lifting her little hands up at Remus, clutching her tiny fists.

“She wants you to pick her up, Re.” Lily said with a fond and slightly amused smile.

Remus was startled, not realizing what he’d done to gain her interest, but obeyed nonetheless. A few minutes later Harry climbed up next to him and tucked himself between uncle Moony and his Mum, as if waiting for something.

“Am I supposed to know what they want me to do or...?” he asked awkwardly.

“They want a bedtime story, Moony.” James said, while handing Harry his snowy white toy-owl and smiling smugly, knowing exactly how much his friend loathed being the center of attention.

Remus’s eyes were shooting daggers but his voice came out as calm and smooth as ever.

He told them the story of four young boys who were the best of friends, the pranks and tricks they’d pull at anyone they encountered, how they rolled down green hills all the way into the lake, how they’d sneak out at night to go for walks in the woods, how they were inseparable and careless and young and happy.

He intentionally left out the most hurtful parts. How life had gotten in the way, how each other’s ambitions had torn them apart, how love could be such a mean and treacherous thing. Remus was tempted, really was, while sitting there with those small humans in his arms, to warn them. Tell them to never fall in love, that it’s all lies and deception, broken hearts, tears and unbearable pain. That once you’ve truly loved someone, your soul wears down until there’s nothing left but an empty void, a gaping wound that hurts and burns, leaving you incapable of trying again with someone new.

But how could they ever understand? Their perception of love came from their parents, Lily and James, who had the kind of relationship even poets would envy. They were utterly devoted to one another, Lily looking at her husband the same way as ever, with adoration and fondness, James still worshiping the ground his wife walked on. Sofia and Harry would grow up just like their parents had, the foundations of what it’s like to love someone already rooted deep into their brains.

The old flame of jealousy threatened to spread again but his thoughts were interrupted when two strong hands lifted the sleeping figure of the girl from his arms to take her to bed. James smiled and mouthed Good night to him over Sofia’s fire red hair, while skillfully maneuvering Harry on his other shoulder.

It was obvious that Lily was lingering, staring with ridiculous fascination at her fingernails, the same way she always used to do before asking a tricky question.

“Remus I need to speak with you for a minute.” she finally confessed.

“Oh, really? What about?” who were they kidding?

“It’s about, him. Well, you know who.” She said with a nod towards no particular direction.

“His name is Sirius, Lily. There’s no point in hiding behind our finger. What about him?” he asked with his eyebrows raised, trying not to show how much the subject of discussion actually bothered him.

“Oh, I don’t know. We were simply worried, Jamie and I.” She quickly glanced at him before continuing “Things did not end well between you and you know we’ve kept in touch with him, what with him being Harry’s Godfather and all.” her words were coming out as a rant, he could barely catch up with her.

“Where are you getting at,Lily?” he tried to help her focus. Sometimes he wondered how that was the same woman that could stand in front of a jury and convince them about whatever she wanted.

“He might be there tomorrow.” she finally spat out. “But it’s not certain! You can never tell with him, nowadays. He said something about making an entrance, which by the way I’m worried about, but it’s most likely that he’ll be busy with work. I wanted to let you know in case you hadn’t thought about it.” That last phrase was barely audible, since she knew it was complete and utter bullshit.

“Lily trust me when I tell you that if I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be. I couldn’t care less what he does or where he goes to. I’m 28 years old, not a teenager, plus I’m sure we won’t even run into each other.” He was talking more to himself than to her but it sounded convincing enough. Everything would be fine, tomorrow night he’d be on the train back home, continuing life as he had before. 

What could possibly go wrong?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~I really like this story and I hope others will too:)  
> ~Constructive criticism is more than appreciated xxx  
> ~Also, a random fact: for some reason I hate using Exclamation marks! I use them all the time in emails for school and I can't stand them!

The next morning, right after breakfast, The Potters took Remus out for a stroll around the village, with Harry pointing out all his favourite places, from the playground to the football field, Sofia in tow, copying everything her big brother did. It was pretty, mostly occupied with families and elderly couples, filled with candy shops and traditional pubs. He even caught sight of a second hand bookstore that looked promising and decided to give it a try.

“Lily, come with me. I want to take a look at that shop around the corner”

Lily’s eyes lit up.

“Oh-oh!”, Sofia said, covering rather comically her mouth with her hand.

“You sure, Remus? Last time she went in there she came back home with thirteen new books. The disgustingly attractive guy that works there had to carry them for her.” James teased.

“Oh, shut it, both of you.” She then proceeded to link her arm around Remus’s elbow and tug him rather forcefully towards the store. He glanced back at Prongs with lifted eyebrows and the only answer he got was to “Have her home before lunch”. 

It was a nice place, much bigger than he’d expected, filled with bookcases that started from the carpeted floor and stretched all the way to the ceiling. Remus was even more surprised to see that there were some rare first editions in astoundingly good state, something that made him want to congratulate the collector. He, of course, grabbed a bunch, ready to pay as much as was needed and turned towards the cashier, where a tall man was standing with his nose buried deep in some book.

“Excuse me” he cleared his throat. The man looked up and suddenly Remus knew there was no doubt- this was the ‘disgustingly attractive guy’ James was referring to earlier. His skin was rich and dark, his eyes slender,the whole model package complete with high cheekbones and a dashing smile. He seemed young, but not too young, probably in his mid-twenties.

“Can I help you, sir?” Fuck, even his voice was hot. It had been a while since he’d unintentionally come a cross a man like that.

“Yes, erm, I’d like to buy these books, please” 

No shit, Sherlock. The guy was now looking at him with an indescribable look on his face, black eyebrows drawn together, as if he was trying to make sense of something. And then it clicked.

“Holy shit” he whispered “are you R.J. Lupin?” Ah.

For all his fame, you’d think he’d be used to getting recognized by random people wherever he went, but that was rarely the case. Very few of his readers could put a face to his name and they were usually introverted teenagers that were too shy to come and talk to him. Those were his favourite ones. 

“I am, yes” he finally replied with a small smile.

The cashier was thrilled “I was just reading your book, look” he said, and there it was, a copy of his latest work, siting on the desk staring up at him in silent mockery. 

“Could you..? Could you sign it for me?”

“Sure, if you tell me your name.” Now he was grinning at him, the same crooked smile he used whenever he planned to get laid soon. What are you doing, you creep. But god, he’s cute.

“Jasper, want my number, too?” Great, now he was flirting back.

Before he could respond, Jasper lifted his hand and waved at someone behind him.

“Hey Mrs Potter!”

Lily joined them, holding a small pile of books in her hands and practically warning Jasper to never call that again. “We’re almost the same age” she stated, rolling her green eyes and placing the books on the desk.

“Remus if we don’t hurry up, Mr Potter will have our heads. Chop chop and stop flirting, we have shit to do.”

If there was one thing Lily Evans Potter loved to do more than her husband, that was making Remus Lupin blush to his ears.

“I’m coming” the writer said, avoiding the other man’s gaze (who, by the way, was laughing now) and signing his book. A few moments later they were back a the cottage, arms hurting from the weight of the bags.

“It’s almost four o’clock. We’ll need a couple hours to drive up there, so you better start getting ready soon. If you want to be there on time, that is” she said, patting his sore shoulder.

“I’m not the one who spends hours on his hair. Tell that to Prongs!”

“Oi!” James’s voice came from the kitchen.

“Whatever, if neither of you is ready in” she glanced at her watch “two hours from now, I’ll be leaving without you” and with that, she disappeared behind the nursery’s door.

"Some things truly never change" Remus let out a long sigh.

"You're telling me" James scoffed in return. "I hope there'll be some booze up in the castle tonight. I don't think I can handle being around more than two adults sober."

"Toddlers are much less complicated, I suppose" he joked.

The pair fell in a short, but comfortable, silence.

Then James lifted his eyes to look at his friend with genuine interest and compassion, which was a little bit unsettling.

"You will be okay, though? If he shows up? You know you can leave whenever you want, you have the right to."

"Fuck yes, I do" this was getting ridiculous. "He left me, he's the one you lot should be talking to, he should be the one ashamed to show his face, not me."

"Alright, alright" James was now by his side, with one hand placed on his shoulder "just breathe, mate."

Remus shrugged away from his touch. His breath evened once more.

"I'm fine, sorry for snapping. Please, stop asking me if I'm okay. It's been nearly 7 years. I'm sure he's moved on with his life, just like I have" yeah, sure.

"Alright, Moony. Sorry again. We should go get dressed, unless we want Mrs Potter's wrath unleashed upon us."

"I can do without" he tried to smile but his muscles refused to comply. "I'll see you in a bit".

And with that, he went into his room, head spinning and hopelessly trying to calm down his stirred nerves. What the hell am I going to wear?

He settled on his usual I'm-going-outside-even-though-I don't want to attire, which consisted of a sharply pressed white shirt, a burgundy tie that cost way too many pounds and his signature three piece tweed suit. He probably wouldn't need a coat, but took his for propriety's sake, combed his hair away from his face and slid the ruby ring on his little finger. Looking at his reflection in the small bathroom mirror, Remus caught a glimpse of the man he used to be. A man whose happiness and sweet, sweet ignorance he envied and loathed but at the same time missed greatly.

He took Lily’s high-pitched shriek as a sign of approval to his appearance, or so he hoped. She looked gorgeous, the long-sleeved emerald dress matched her eyes perfectly and her face was glowing, now visible, with her flaming red hair tied up in a very complicated-looking bun.

“Oi! Stop checking out my wife!” James teased. He, too, looked good, with a dark turtle neck and a grey suit Remus was certain Lily made him put on. She had even managed to take those filthy red converse off his feet, replacing them with a shiny pair of Chelsea boots. Hogwarts’ most famous couple was back in action, ready to exceed everyone’s expectations.

Even though it was still early in the afternoon, the sun had almost set, leaving behind the blinding brightness that lead the night.

Luckily, the pair was sensible enough to not mention he-who-must-not-be-named again throughout the ride to the castle, focusing the subject of discussion to Harry and Sofia instead.

“I’m telling ya, Moony. The kid’s got raw talent. He can barely hold his own head up, but put him in the field and he’s bloody Barnes!”

“He’s four, honey.” Lily reminded him for what seemed to be the millionth time that day.

“And did you know Sof can read her name already?” James continued unbothered, “as smart as her mamma, thank god” he let out a breath before quickly sitting up again “not that I wouldn’t love her otherwise!”

“No one jumped to that conclusion, Prongs, you’re good” Remus reassured him.

After that, the three of them settled on singing along to Abbey road, in a way that could, technically, be considered insulting, but who was there to judge them?

\-------------------------------

Hogwarts Castle came into view almost two hours later and Remus felt the familiar flatter in his heart, followed by the less than familiar feeling of coming back home. The dark sky was now filled with stars, a phenomenon he’d associated with this very place and his own tower, the two places he’d felt truly safe in during his life. That was the one thing Sirius and he had in common that James couldn’t relate to. They had bonded over how much they hated their lives at home, found comfort in one another’s dreadful experiences, Sirius seeing his loathsome Mother in Remus’s stepfather, Remus identifying with how helpless Sirius felt in protecting his brother with how powerless he was when it came to his mother’s safety.

The writer in him always cried there was something special about it, even magical. To an outsider, to someone that had never laid eyes upon its ethereal outline, someone who had never cried or laughed or fallen in love inside its walls, that assumption would seem ridiculous. Even Remus had forgotten the impact the castle had to his heart, until his eyes filled with tears and he was forced to swallow down a sob at the very sight of it.

“Feels good to be back, doesn’t it?” If only she knew.

Whoever was in charge of this thing had done a seriously good job. A big sign welcomed them at the school’s entrance that read ‘WELCOME BACK, CLASS OF ‘79′ and it had somehow managed to not make him want to crawl into the earth and pass away. Most of the others had already arrived, if the constant chatter and clinging of glasses echoing through the stone walls was any indication.

“FUCKING HELL!”

Nearly jumping out of his skin, Remus turned around, only to be nearly knocked off his feet by no other than Dorcas Meadowes.

Chuckling to himself and wrapping his arms around her, Remus greeted his old friend.

“You big, bloody- you moron!” her smile was now gone, long replaced with gritting teeth and a series of punches to his chest “where have you been? I tried writing and calling! I thought you were dead!”

“I think you’re exaggerating, dear”

Dorcas smiled up at him “I’ve missed you”.

“And I, you”.

She looked as dazzling as ever, her black hair carefully braided away from her round face, a deep blue dress making her dark skin look even more luminous, the same kind and playful eyes staring up at him, taking him in.

“Hands off my fiance, Lupin” a blonde woman in a black suit warned.

At this rate, they would have a full house before dinner.

“Why does everyone keep forgetting that I’m gay these days?” he sighed.

Marlene McKinnon threw her head back, letting out a throaty laugh. She’d changed a bit, her blonde hair was cut short, styled very smartly and she also seemed to have lost some of the teenage clumsiness that was so characteristic.

“They’ve probably gone blind, darling.”

Wasn’t there a single person that looked as bad as Remus felt? Why did they all have to be so...so obviously happy? They were either married or about to be, with actual jobs that didn’t rely on inspiration alone. Why was he the only one that had to stand there, barely able to keep his pretend-it’s-alright mask on, trying not to have a meltdown and go home? Maybe you’re not as bad as you thought you were. Maybe you’ve been faking it. Maybe you just want to- No. This couldn’t happen, not tonight. Putting his best smile back on, he landed back to the present.

“Lily’s right. Come on, you lot. You’re too old to be standing outside.”

The Great Hall, too, was same as ever, which made the eerie feeling that had settled in his heart ever since they’d arrived double in size. There was something weary in being back to such familiar grounds when they looked so different, a place where they had so many shared memories, yet their lives could not be less alike.

The four big mahogany tables had been pulled aside, leaving more space in the middle of the room for people to gather and talk while holding their drinks. Just by glancing around, Remus recognized Mary Macdonald’s chestnut hair, Frank Longbottom’s rounded figure and the Prewett twins’ bright red heads.

“Where’s Pete?” he asked, turning to face James, who looked at him puzzled.

“Haven’t you heard?”, obviously he hadn’t, “Wormtail left for America couple years back. Took over his old man’s business, settled down in California, I think?”

He wasn’t surprised, not if he wanted to be honest. Peter had never had any great ambitions of his own and his dad owned this big shoe company, which was too easy a solution for him to bother looking for anything else. His absence wouldn’t be missed much, he knew, for even as a youngster Peter had the habit of thinking he was always right, stating his opinion as a fact and being a terrible listener. He waited patiently for you to make any mistake and then he’d hold it against you until he found something else to amuse himself with. The fact, for example, that Remus’s mother had married a wealthy- but pathetic- man shortly after her first husband killed himself seemed to fascinate him. No one could hold it against him, though, for they knew it was his way of protecting himself, just like they all had their own, less obvious ones.

Someone cleared their throat and everyone turned their heads towards the teachers’ table, where Professor McGonagall was standing, looking not a day older than when he’d last seen her. Her hair was still mostly black- a few white streaks obvious over her ears- pulled back into the signature tight bun, lips barely containing the rare sight of a smile threatening to appear.

“Now that most of you are here, we’d like to start by welcoming you all back to Hogwarts...” the crowd roared and clapped before she could finish, something that a decade ago would have made her lose her shit, but now she just waited patiently for them to calm down.

“Now, now. We are all very pleased to see so many familiar faces. The Headmaster, unfortunately, could not attend due to a business trip abroad” the crowd booed “but he was equally excited about this night. Before the dancing and drinking begins, I’d advise you to take a look at the Yearbooks we’ve selected, which will...” she was, however, interrupted once again by a deep, playful and nerve-wracking voice, a sound Remus hoped he’d never hear again in this life, as much as he begged for it.

“Starting without me, are you, Minerva?”

Everyone suddenly was facing the door, their screams and yells and “oh my god”s and “is it him?”s making his ears ring. Struggling to walk against the moving crowd, ignoring Lily’s concerned looks and James’s inaudible questions, he all but ran to the other side of the room, where he remembered the teachers’ chamber to be.

Closing the door and resting his back on it, not bothering to check if the place was already occupied, Remus brought a cigarette to his lips and somehow managed to light it with trembling hands. Taking a long drag he let the smoke fill his lungs, heart still beating fast against his chest. He could feel the door vibrating with the energy of the room behind him and quickly jumped away, as if he'd just been electrocuted.

"What am I going to do?"


End file.
